Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It’s okay. He woke up.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten,” the doctor says sadly. “Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!” “Nine…”
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, “You can stay but don’t try to start anything.”
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries. The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a litre of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, “You must be single.” The woman was surprised & replies, “Yes, how did you know?” The clerk answers, “Because you’re ugly.”
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy.” The mother asked, “What did you do?” The boy replied, “I hit him with my purse!”
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. “What are you doing!” asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor.”
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit.” The mortician says, “We’ll take care of it, ma’am,” and yells to the back, “Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, “Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore.”
Q: What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle? A: The polar bear.