When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I didn’t believe her, but then I saw her face.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.’
I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’
“Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?”
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.’
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, ‘Oh, two or three’. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work out.’
A grasshopper hops on a bar and the bartender say, “You’re quite a celebrity here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Larry?”
A brain goes into a bar and orders a beer. “No,” says the barman, “you must be out of your head.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease? Cow 2: Good thing I’ a helicopter.
A man walked into a zoo to find the only animal in the entire zoo was a dog. It was a shiatsu.