Silly Side #11

The Silly Side

The Silly Side #11

What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night? A real fungi to be with.

A man went into a pet shop and said: “I would like a pet parrot for my daughter.”
The owner of the pet shop said: “Sorry, this is a pet shop, we don’t do swaps .”

Where would you find a tortoise with no legs? Wherever you left it.

What do you call an Earl who is awarded an OBE? An earlobe.

How do you get a philosopher off your porch? Pay for the pizza.

“Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Bob tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music…anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour”.
Bob was astounded at the changes in the bird’s attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the Chicken did?”

“A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat. “Get in,” the rescuers said. “We’ll take you to safety.
“No,” said the man. “I have faith in the Lord. He will save me.”
The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. “Sir, please get in,” the rescuers in this boat said. “The waters are rising. We’ll take you to safety.
“No,” said the man again. “I have faith in the Lord. He will save me.” The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head above the water.
The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. “We’ll lower a rope. Get in the copter, “ yelled the rescuers from above. “The water shows no sign of abating. You’re sure to drown “
Once again, the man refused. “I have faith in the Lord,” he said calmly. “He will save me.”
Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. “What happened?” asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn’t you?”
“Hey,” replied the Lord. “I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. The doctor says “What can I do for you?” and the penguin says “Well doc, it started as this growth on my foot…”

One penguin says to another, “You look like you’re wearing a tux.” The second penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead.  What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Steven Wright