A doctor says to his patient, “Without these treatments, you’ve got three months to live.” He then hands him a bill.
The patient says, “My God. Look at all these. I can’t come up with this kind of money in three months.”
The doctor says, “Alright, you’ve got six months to live.”
Marge: “Homer, you never listen to anything I say”
Homer: “Thank you. I would like an omelette.”
An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
A midget clairvoyant escapes from jail and the headline read “Small medium at large.”
What’s ET short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
A man walks into a bar and hears someone say, “Hey, you look NICE today”
He turns around and asks the bartender, “Who said that?”
The bartender answers, “The peanuts… they’re complementary”
What do you get if you cross a mammal with a reptile?
A Nobel prize
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset.
Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, “Go to Harrah’s.”
So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah’s. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, “Go to the roulette table.” The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number 21.
The voice says, “Damn.”
An elephant and a mouse were talking together. The elephant said to the mouse, “Why am I so big and strong and heavy and you are so tiny, weak and puny and grey?”
The mouse replied, “Well, I’ve been ill haven’t I?”
Apparently one in four people in the world are Chinese. There are four other people in my family. This means that it is my mother, my mother, my younger brother Colin or my older brother Ho Cha Chin.
I think it is Colin.