Did you hear about the two maggots that were fighting in dead Ernest?
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he went to the kitchen to raid the fridge. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.
In a panic, she shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctors office, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replied. “but never framed.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
Sold his soul to Santa.
A little boy mouse goes into a music shop and asks for a mouse organ. The shopkeeper says: “That’s a coincidence, we had a little girl mouse in here yesterday, asking for the same thing.”
The mouse replies: “That must have been our Monica.”
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips.
After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. “Iv’e got a few suggestions,” he says.
“Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.” The new priest tries this.
Very good,” says his senior. “Now try saying things like ‘I see’, ‘I understand’ and ‘Yes, go on.’”
The younger priest practises these sayings, too.
“Well done,” says the older priest. “Don’t you think that’s better than slapping your knee and saying, ‘No way what happened next?’”
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
“Doc, I can’t stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home”
“that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
Why do deep sea divers jump out of the boat backwards when they want to go into the water?
Because if they jumped forward, they would fall into the boat.
There are two fish in a tank. The first fish says to the second fish: “How the hell do we drive this thing?”
What did the snail say while riding on the tortoise’s back?