A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. “Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person.” “Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”
Descartes walks in to a bar. The bartender ask if he’d like a beer. Descartes replies, “I think not.” Then he disappears.
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors? A: Because if it had four doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
A male ostrich was chasing two female ostriches. The one female said to the other, “He’s starting to gain on us, we better hide ”
So, they stopped and stuck their heads in the sand. The male ostrich said, “…Hey, where’d they go?”
A young karate champion joined the Army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t see the email.”
The monks were busy in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts that they used to do when one young monk suggested that since they were copying copies perhaps it might be timely to examine the original to make sure that their copies were correct.
The Abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the basement of the monastery to find and examine the original. The young monk was away for some time and finally the abbot went to find him.
When he did he found the young monk in tears and asked him what was wrong. Through his tears the monk blurted out “The word was celebrate.”
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!”