Did you hear about the cowboy who got caught shoplifting? He got two yeehars
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.
Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your dog back, your wife back, your house back, and you sober up.
What’s yellow and stupid? Thick custard
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“Great,” says the frog. “Will I meet her at a party soon?”
“No,” replies the psychic, “Next year, in a biology class.”
A seal walks into a club…
Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it’s worth it.
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)