I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies, “No thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replied, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answered, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman “have you seen my brother?”
The barman replies, “I dunno. What does he look like?”
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went – and I got it.
Q: What does an orange and a parrot have in common? A. Neither of them can drive a tractor.
Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? A: Make him wear shoes.
An inebriate enters a restaurant and asks the cashier, “Did you see me come in the door, there?”
“Yes I did, sir.”
“Have you ever seen me before?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Then, how did you know it was me?”
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.