If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
A square and a circle walk into a bar. The square says to the circle, “Your round ”
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.”
“My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. You’re Jewish and this is a Catholic Church. Why are you telling me?”
Emil says, “Oh, I’m telling everybody!”
There was a knock on the door in the early hours. The man went downstairs, opened the door, and a voice said “Will you give us a push, mate?”.
The man was very angry, saying that it was a ridiculous hour to be knocking on people’s doors and waking them up.
He shut the door, and went back to bed. When his wife asked who it was, he told her some nutter wanting a push.
“You shouldn’t have refused him,” she said. “Don’t you remember when we broke down and were glad of a push?”
The man felt guilty and went outside. “OK,mate, where are you?” he called out.
“Over here on the swings,” came the reply.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving the other day. They left a little note on my windscreen saying parking fine. So that was nice
One woman had always wanted to take a bath in a tub filled with warm milk. So she called the dairyman out to measure the tub and find out how much milk she would need and how much it would cost.
He began measuring and asked her, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
“No, just up to my bosom would be fine,” she replied.
A man was in bed one night when there was a knock at the door. He answered and there in front of him stood a giant ant. That ant then went and punched him in his eye.
Embarassed about being given a black eye by an ant, he told his curious mates he had had a punch up in the pub.
The next night the same happened again, but this time he got beaten up pretty bad and ended up in hospital. When the doctor asked what happened he decided to tell the truth and told the doctor everything.
“AHHHH,” said the doctor, “there is a nasty bug going round.”
Q. Why did the cow jump over the moon?
A. Because the farmer had cold hands.
Two guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
“Turn the lake into beer,” he says. There’s a “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer.
The guy smiles and says to the other guy in the boat, “So what do you think?”
The other guy replies, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to pee in the boat.”