Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
A blonde woman’s husband buys her a mobile phone. He calls her the next day and asks how the phone was.
“It’s very good,” she replies, “but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?”
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an Xray to a group of interns. “As you can see the patient is limping because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” said the intern, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
A pirate walks into a pub. Another patron, having never met a pirate before, wants to know the stories behind the battle scars. He buys the pirate a pint, and strikes up a conversation.
“How’d you get the peg leg?”
“Shark took off me leg in the South Seas.”
“How about that hook?”
“Lost the hand in a sword fight.”
“And the eye patch?”
“Seagull pooped in me eye.”
“Are seagull droppings really that dangerous?”
“No, but it were me first day with the hook.”
A fish walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “What will it be?”
The fish replies, “Water.”
Man is looking down from a plane as it flies over the Pacific Ocean. He turns to the lady next to him and asks, “That island down there, is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii?”
The woman replies, “Havaii.”
“Thank you,” say the man.
“You’re velcome,” she replies.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”
Can you swim?
What do you mean by “some times”?
Only when I’m in the water.
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” he argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How did you get that?” the lawyer asks.
“We added up your time sheets.”