Q: What is gray?
A: A melted penguin
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
A mechanic, an engineer and a computer programmer are travelling together in a car, when the engine suddenly fails. The mechanic and engineer each try various techniques to restart the car.
“Pump the accelerator a couple of times”, says the mechanic.
“No,” replies the engineer, “turn the ignition key without touching the pedal.”
The car refuses to start. After the several more attempts, the computer programmer confidently announced his solution.
“Let’s all get out of the car, then get back in.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.(Redd Foxx)
A man walks into the doctors and says: “I think I’m Schizophrenic.”
The doctor replies “That makes four of us.”
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that? ”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club. And we’ll have to sell the 26 room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. “Who’s that with Jim?” asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
The wife replies, “Ours is prettier.”
You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.