I went down the local supermarket, I said to the assistant, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”
She looked at me and said, “Those are pickled onions.”
A young girl is walking along the river and comes across a religious gathering where the minister is baptizing members of his flock. The minister asks the girl if she had found Jesus.
“No,” she says.
Whereupon the minister pushes her underwater, pulls her back up, and repeats, “Have you found Jesus?”
“No,” she says again.
She is dunked back in the water and again asked, “Have you found Jesus?”
“No,” she says in exasperation, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
The phone rang at two in the morning, and my wife looked at me and says, “Who’s that calling at this time?’
“I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor. I’ve come up in spots like cherries on a cake.
DOCTOR: Ah, you must have analogy.
On Monday a delivery van was stolen containing files and diaries. The next day another van was stolen, this time containing filing cabinets. The police believe it was organised crime.
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t the sport for you.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “Make me one with everything.”
A skeleton walks into a pub and says, “Pint of bitter and a mop.”
I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He asked, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”