Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, “Do you smell carrots?”
A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner. “Fancy a pint Vincent?” he asks.
“No thanks,” Van Gogh replies, “I’ve got one ‘ere.”
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just think it’s crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
Inventions today: it’s reported that a new kind of pillowcase has been invented, made out of corduroy. It’s making headlines.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied: “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.”
Q: Why did the egg cross the road?
A: Genealogy research.
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?”
The guy says: “I make a good living.” (Henny Youngman)
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light blub? To get to the other side.
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)